Dark Comedy
by Fresh C
Summary: Ron writes out the story of his last days on Earth. With the help of Luna Lovegood he learns the truth about hope and insanity. Through it all, he can not escape the pull of his own dark humor.


**Dark Comedy**

I am Ronald Weasley. My friends back home call me Ron. I've been locked in a dungeon for God-knows-how-long and I'm loosing my mind. Literally. They gave me this book and told me to "write my lasts" in it. I left it in a corner of the cell until I realized earlier today that I really wasn't going to leave here alive. I don't care that I'm going to die here. I just have to apologize for what I've done.

I'm not alone, at least not always. Luna's here. Loony Luna Lovegood. She's sane though. I'm the crazy one. At least I am now.

It's okay though. It's not bad being crazy, honestly it's not. It's not even bad going crazy. You can get used to that. The only problem is when you think that you're going crazy. That will drive you crazy. Once you know, I mean absolutely know, that you're going crazy it's so much easier to accept.

There is a downside to being crazy though. Luna won't believe I'm crazy. She thinks I'm sane, but she's wrong. I tired to tell her once. I screamed it into her face. When my screams didn't work, I slapped her in the face. I didn't want to slap her, but I needed to because I'm crazy. You wouldn't understand. You're sane.

She didn't mind being slapped as much as I minded slapping her. They had probably slapped her much more. But we never talk about that. I think it would drive her crazy too and I can't do that to her yet. I'm not that crazy yet. I imagine I will be, but the thought doesn't bother me like it used to. I'm not sane enough to care about saving my sanity. But I'm getting off topic, as the insane have been known to do. You'll forgive me because you're interested. You'll want to hear my story, no matter how unsettling it is for you. It's ok. Don't feel guilty. I'd want to hear it too.

So I hit her. She got off the floor and came towards me. I thought she'd hit me back. I hoped she'd hit me back because then I could hit her again. And we could hit each other like the Death Eaters hit us. They have so much fun. I haven't had fun since I've been here. I think a little fun would help me. It would definitely help Luna.

But she didn't hit me. She hugged me for a long time and I hugged her back. We fell asleep holding each other and I went that much more crazy. She was very warm. I knew I could feel parts of her against me that I shouldn't be feeling. It was wrong, but it was ok. We've done it every night since. At least I think it's at night.

_Sorry Hermione_

At the beginning of God-knows-how-long it was worse. I did have my sanity, but it was worse. They hurt me, but I had hope. Hope is a horrible thing. It really is. People who hope think that things will get better. When things don't get better they get sad. Luna is sad even now because she hopes. When you've lost hope you're much better off. You know what to expect, so you accept it. I know they're going to torture me, so I'm ok with it. I know Lucius will hit me, so I live with it. I know Bellatrix will have her way with me, so I just take it. Luna, however, still fights. She knows she can't win. She knows they'll hurt her more. She knows they'll have fun with her. But she thinks that one day they won't. That is why she's sad, and I am sad because she is sad.

I remember the first time they hurt her. They had just finished with me and I had never felt worse in my life. That was my second day here. I could hear her screams no matter how hard I tried not to. I imagine she had heard mine as well. It wasn't natural to hear that sound coming out of her. In fact it was wrong. It was very wrong, but it was ok. I was glad I didn't have to watch as they hurt every part of her body and healed it back again. Only to repeat the process several more times.

She came out looking horrible. Her clothes were ripped and I didn't want to think what else might have happened to her, even though I did. I didn't really have to imagine. I more or less knew.

We didn't talk for a long time. We really had nothing to say. We sat staring at each other. Looking each other in the eyes for a very long time. It was weird, but it was ok. I couldn't describe it in words. In her eyes there was so much emotion that I could feel. I wanted to study them and understand them because they were the most beautiful things I'd ever seen. I knew it wasn't love and never would be, but it was the strongest connection I've ever had with a girl, or any person for that matter.

_Sorry Hermione_

It was then that I began to think I might go crazy. I was in a dungeon locking eyes with Luna Lovegood. Making a connection. After we'd both been tortured brutally. At the time I didn't think a sane person would do that. Now I'm not so sure. You might have to be insane not to.

It wasn't fun though. Our connection was a decidedly bad one. We shared troubles and nothing else. For the rest of that day and the next we didn't say a word. Silence can drive a man crazy, but it doesn't have to when he has company. Loony Luna was there. I decided to talk to her. I had wanted to for quite some time but I had nothing good to say. So I said something bad, something stupid.

"You look pretty messed up." I'm always the comedian.

Luna laughed. It was a remarkably light laugh for such a situation. But don't be mistaken, there was a hint of bitterness in it.

She said something about me not looking too great myself. I'm sure it was true.

I could tell she was trying to be normal about all of this. As if there was a normal in such a situation. I knew this because I was trying to do the same thing myself. We weren't crazy at the time, but we were definitely delusional.

"Some mess we got ourselves into, huh?" I'm not even a good comedian. I can't help it though.

"That's an understatement." She was right of course.

And just to clear the record, I must say that it was us who got ourselves into this. You can't blame the Death Eaters. They were just doing their jobs. You expect a Death Eater to capture and torture people. But you don't expect a few Hogwarts dropouts to take on the evilest wizard of the time. We overstepped our boundaries and we knew it.

This is not to say that there is no one else to blame. I can blame a large number of other people. Take my parents, for instance. My mother cries her eyes out, but doesn't say a word in protest. My father just says, "come back alive," and doesn't even look me in the eyes. Ginny didn't help to much either. In fact, she begged us to take her along. Harry had to stun her to keep her from following.

The point is that no one truly tried to stop us. That is no one except Harry himself. I volunteered to chase after Nagini. The snake had severely hurt my father and I thought it was about time to get even. It was an added bonus that I'd also be destroying a possible Horcrux.

Harry, of course, was against the whole thing. He'd known then what I had only figured out since I was captured. This wasn't our war. This wasn't a war for me. It wasn't a war for Hermione. But most importantly, it wasn't a war for children. If I had been honest with myself I'd have known that.

But I wasn't honest with myself. My dishonesty lead me on a month long snake hunt across Britain. I knew that my hunt may lead me into trouble, but I had no idea it would lead me to Luna. I guess at the time I could have used the words synonymously. She, like myself, was looking for danger. Almost begging for it.

I wasn't the only one who had spotted the snake. Apparently I wasn't the fastest one either. Luna had found Nagini's lair and I couldn't talk her out of entering it. So I joined her and here we are, prisoners in the snake dungeon. The only thing that puzzles me about the whole thing is how the snake called for back up even after we killed it. I know that's a bad joke. Told you I'm not a good comedian. The real humor lies in the fact that the bloody thing wasn't even a real Horcrux. Now that's laughable.

I'll get back on topic.

Luna joked along with me because she didn't have much of a choice. It was either joke or be serious and we'd had quite enough of seriousness.

"This isn't so bad though," I said with one of the least humorous voices I've ever had while telling a joke. "The food's pretty good."

"I don't know," said Luna as if she was seriously considering my words. "It's decent, but nothing compared to the feasts we used to have back at Hogwarts."

_Hogwarts_

That simple word opened a floodgate that could never be closed again. That school was the single greatest connection we had to each other. We spent the rest of that day reminiscing about "the good ol' days". We talked about the train rides, the beginning of the year feasts, final exams, swimming in the lake on warm spring evenings, snow ball fights in the winter, sneaking into the kitchen for snacks, midnight strolls, and everything in-between. It was quite the way to spend the day. (Excuse my bad rhyme.)

By the next day I found myself telling her things I'd never told anyone. I told her how the sorting hat ridiculed me, how I finally got together with Hermione, and the way I always used to be jealous of Harry. Looking back on that, I think it was a serious sign that I was beginning to lose hope. It probably also marked the true beginning of my insanity. Sane people don't keep quiet during torture and spill their hearts out to their fellow inmates. Luna doesn't. She keeps her secrets to her grave, although I never truly asked. I, however, confided in her as if she was my best friend.

_Sorry Harry_

I can't write anymore now. Luna's ready to go to sleep. She can't do it without me anymore. Says she'd go crazy without human contact. I think I'm going crazy because of it. Hermione is watching us. Watching and frowning. I know I'm just guilty, but it's ok. Don't tell Luna. I'll gladly trade my sanity for hers.

* * *

Captains log. Day God-knows-how-long + 1

I really am a bad comedian. Luna is an even worse one. She told a very bad joke today, even though I think she didn'tmeant to.

She told me she was bored. It made sense. I was bored as well.

"I haven't had any fun since I've gotten here." That made sense too. But when I gave her the opportunity to have fun she wouldn't take it. She didn't hit me. That didn't make sense. She was smiling when she said this… that didn't make sense to me either.

"It's like this place is a prison." At this she began to smile wider. I only frowned. It is a prison. I didn't get it. But I thought I should try to contribute to our conversation. Talking was one of the other things keeping Luna sane.

"So what do you propose we do?" I asked quite seriously. If she had a plan to alleviate our boredom, I figured I was all game.

"I'm glad you asked that," she said with a smirk.

I'd seen that smirk somewhere, but couldn't quite put my finger on it. Of course, I knew immediately after she walked up to me and kissed me. It was uncanny how identical her expression was to that of Bellatrix Lestrange. It was scary how they had both done the exact same thing. Using me to end their boredom. They even did it in similar ways, although Luna was much more gentle about it. I initially responded the same as well. I just took it. Made no move to back away or step forward. I stood my ground and waited for it to be over.

I didn't have to wait long. Luna backed off as soon as she realized I wasn't responding.

"You don't want to… I'm sorry Ron." She said it so crushed and sincerely. I couldn't take it. I didn't take it. I leaned in and kissed her. I had to because she needed me to.

We spent a long time kissing. Taking in each other's tastes and flavors. I tried to pretend she was Hermione, but her presence was so strong and unique I could not override it. Luckily we kissed and nothing more. I don't think either of us could have handled anything else, with what we've been going through and all. When we were (she was) finally all done she told the worst joke I'd ever heard.

"So, was it good?"

I laughed even though it wasn't funny in the slightest bit. We both knew the answer to that question, but I told her anyways. They were the best kisses I've ever had in my entire life.

_Sorry Lavender_

I think I've done wonders for Luna. She looked so happy before she fell asleep. I was happy for her too. Until I saw the look Hermione gave me. She must have been watching again. I didn't even notice her till afterwards. I wonder what she's doing in the snake dungeon with us. She should be out helping Harry. In a way it makes me happy that she's not. I guess I really am more important to her than him. The score's been settled and it's a tie. Harry 1. Ron 1.

But why does his name come first?

I got to go now. I can hear the Death eaters coming to take me.

* * *

Captains log. Day God-knows-how-long + 3

Hermione wasn't the only one watching on day God-knows-how-long + 1. The Death Eaters saw us too. I don't think they enjoyed it as much as Luna did because they separated us the next day. That's why I couldn't write yesterday.

Luna didn't take to it so well. I could hear her screaming my name from wherever they had her. I tried to scream back so she'd know I was near, but they cast a silencing charm on me. I think they finally figured out what I'd known for a while. They could still break Luna, but they'd done all they could to me. Short of murder, that is. I'd been hoping they'd realize that soon and get it over with. I would have even been happy then if it wasn't for Luna.

But they didn't kill me. They thought they'd do us a favor. Bring us back together for one last reunion.

I think it was the saddest either of us had been since we arrived here. She knew it was almost over. Could no longer deny it. She kept looking at me for comfort. Her eyes were filled with fear and longing. She didn't dare come close to me though. She was too afraid that they'd take me away again.

It would have gone on like that for the rest of the day if she hadn't started to cry. I went over to her and held her in my arms. It did go on like that for the rest of the day. Although there was a point when I was ready to end it.

I had picked up a rock and held it high above her head. Having so much hope for so long a time was killing her. I figured I could do it much faster and more mercifully. I couldn't though. I wanted to so badly, but I couldn't. I slowly lowered my arm again and encircled it around her so that it met my other one. She never noticed what I almost did. I'm glad because the shame of not being able to do it would have been wretched.

* * *

Captains log. Day God-knows-how-long + 3.5

They woke us up from our slumber tonight with kicks. They dragged Luna away saying it was the end for her. She screamed and yelled for mercy and help. They drug her out of the room before I could even figure out what was going on.

They came for me soon after. They brought me into a room where Luna was tied to a chair. They made me watch as they tortured all the strength from her. It wasn't fun to watch, but it did end my boredom for a while.

They finally got tired of her and Lucius preformed the killing curse. The last thing she said was my name. A final weak plea for help. They never really killed her hope.

I willingly walked back with them to my dungeon room with only one regret. I should have killed Luna myself. She'd have liked it better.

_Sorry Luna_

When I got to my room one of the Death Eaters (Bellatrix) said something that really cheered me up.

"You'll be next, blood traitor."

I laughed so hard. She thought she was threatening me. It was so funny that I laughed for God-knows-how-long.

Death Eaters really are excellent comedians.


End file.
